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A letter from my dad to you and all parents of GLBT children

December 19, 2008 Last year, our 25-year-old Stacey came out in a letter to his friends. Now it is our turn, as parents, to come out to our family and friends. The Meier family believes that the information presented below could be shocking to some you, but we love Stacey and want the best life possible for our child and others like him.

Fasten your seatbelt. Please do not share this information with people outside your immediate family.

One Saturday morning about 23 years ago, when Stacey was 2 years old and was sitting comfortably on the bed with mother Pam watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, Bob said something like: Stacey, this is wonderful. Maybe when you grow up, you will be able to sit with your own daughter, and watch Alvin and the Chipmunks on TV just like you and your mom are doing. Stacey replied: No, I want to be the dad. Not wanting to argue with a 2-year old, her dad said: Stacey you can be anything you want to be.

When Stacey was 3 years old, one of our good friends Sandra Hathaway came to visit us in our new old house on 20th Street that she had sold us. She saw Stacey and remarked: Stacey, you are such a beautiful little girl. When you get to be 17 years old, I am going to nominate you to be a Neches River Festival Princess, to which Stacey replied: No thanks. When asked what Stacey meant, the reply was: I want to be the King. Little did Stacey or her parents realize what lay ahead for this child.

As a child, Stacey never played with dolls, and had clearly shied away from wearing skirts, long hair, ribbons, and girly stuff. Stacey enjoyed studying with and talking to guys, wearing shirts and pants, going fishing, being competitive at grades and sports, winning a National Championship in Tae-Kwon-Do at the 5th Degree level. Stacey had been an alter server at St. Anne Church from 6th grade through high school and even won the most religious student awards her freshman and juniors year at Monsignor Kelly Catholic High School. She always told her parents the truth, made friends with all, did not smoke or drink.

While growing up, Stacey prayed to God that she would never, never be a lesbian (a woman who is physically attracted to other women). His church, parents, and friends were of the opinion that gays and lesbians were kind of ok people but sort of different. Stacey decided late in college that she might possibly be a lesbian.

A year later, at age 22, Stacey recognized she was not a lesbian, b ut that the term transgender (a person whose physical body does not match their gender identity) seemed to fit much better. Stacey strongly felt that she was really a he born into the body of a woman.

So, in a sense, God really did answer prayer of our child...as Stacey was not a lesbian...but a transgender person. Stacey received counseling from therapists at UTMB Galveston and in Houston. After a few years, Stacey, Bob, and Pam had to face the facts; Stacey is a F to M transgender person who has been living as a male, for the past two years.

Back to the parents: When Stacey told the parents about being gay and later transgender, they did not want to believe it, and her dad was in denial for about year. He thought this might simply be a phase, and chose to dismiss what could be happening. He blamed them as parents for being too understanding, Rice University for being too close to the Montrose Area of Houston, the unisex look, and too many sporting events for girls like soccer, softball, and Tae-Kwon-Do. His thinking was that as parents, they should continue to love their child, but not go out of their way to support inappropriate behavior of their child.

He told Stacey not to worry as this urge likely would not last, and perhaps a committee just made up that transgender diagnosis somewhere. However, it did last. Now they understand that they have a son who needs their support, and that using the right pronoun is very, very difficult for parents to do.

With his strong German-Lutheran heritage, through high school, college, and graduate school, Bob did not know of anyone in Indiana who admitted they were gay. His first inkling about a transgender person was seeing female impersonators on Bourbon Street in New Orleans once during college. This was in the scary and unusual category of life experiences. These people did not have great occupations.

Bob and Pam have found themselves generally ignorant about gay and transgender issues for most of their adult lives, in spite of having advanced degrees, being on the faculty at the University of Texas Medical Branch (UTMB) at Galveston, and doing rotations at the transgender clinic at UTMB Galveston over 30 years ago.

To catch up, Bob and Pam have been attending PFLAG meetings (Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in Houston.

They attended parent support groups called Always Our Children sponsored by the Catholic Diocese of Beaumont.

They saw TV talk shows and interviews with Barbara Walters, Larry King, and Tyra Banks where transgender stories were told.

Also, Stacey gave them books (Straight Parents Gay Children), as well as articles and movies to speed the process of understanding. FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO is a very fine film on DVD. If interested, you can simply Google For the Bible to order a DVD for $19.00.

Through study, we as parents have learned that:

1. Neither gender orientation nor sexual identity is a choice, as very few people would choose to be feared and hated by people and society as a whole. Scientists, physicians, and psychologists understand some things about gay and transgender people, but much still remains unknown. Genes and birth order play a role.

2. Since the beginning of time there have been significant gender identity variations throughout plant, animal, and human worlds. Perhaps it is an evolutionary survival necessity. There are 6 known sexual variations within the lowly bluegill fish family, and no one is afraid of a bluegill except maybe bugs, crickets, red worms, or night crawlers.

3. According to the Always Our Children message from the US Catholic Bishop Committee on Marriage and the Family (www.usccb.org/laity/always.shtml), parents with gay children experience many emotions including relief, anger, mourning, fear, guilt, shame, loneliness, and parental protectiveness.

4. Socrates, Aristotle, Julius Caesar, Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, three Popes, and Hans Christian Anderson were gay. This is pretty good company. 5% to 10% of the US population has very strong gay feelings and are likely g ay. However, both gay and transgender citizens in the US are fearful of telling people, including family members with good reason. A fourth of gay and transgender teens are kicked out of their homes by parents thus losing physical, emotional, and financial support.

5. Citizens who are gay in Canada can marry and enjoy full civil rights. Citizens who are gay in the US do not enjoy full civil rights. Loving and committed relationships between gay people are neither encouraged nor honored by most states in the US. (Fortunately for Stacey, in many parts of the US, transgender people can get married, depending on how transgender is defined in that area.)

6. It is very dangerous to be transgender in the US. No health insurance agencies cover transgender healthcare needs. 60% of transgender people have seriously considered suicide. 50% of Houston transgender people are victims of violent attacks. German soldiers under Hitler killed Jews, Gypsies, Gays, Transgender People, as well as their Medical Providers. See for yourself at the Holocaust Museum in Houston, Texas.

7. People tend to fear and then to hate what they do not understand, e.g. sharks and chemistry.

Stacey has accomplished much in his young life, earning all As through grade school, high school, college, and graduate school. He continues to attend church regularly and is devout in his worship. He donates time to charitable organizations. He is always open and honest. He has always come to his parents for advice on difficult issues. He has presented over 20 talks for students at colleges as well as professional meetings at the state and national level. He recently gave a class presentation to medical students at Baylor School of Medicine in Houston.

He exercises, does not smoke, and seldom drinks. Like a true scientist, over the past two years, Stacey has carefully documented physical changes in voice, emotions, and muscle structure. What more could we ask as parents? As you might expect, we could not be more proud of our child who wants to bring people to Jesus and to educate the world.

We request that you continue to treat Stacey and all people with love, dignity, and respect. Please show gay and transgender people that they are clearly loved as Children of God, as many do not believe this. Help them feel comfortable in your church or home. Please speak out when you hear someone talk about people in a demeaning way.

Please greet Stacey with a big smile and a big hug when you see him. He has changed on the outside into a handsome young man. He is still good as gold on the inside. Stacey is counting on you, and so are we.

Thanks!

Bob and Pam



PS:

FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO-Film Synopsis: Taken from: www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/

Can the love between two people ever be an abomination? Is the chasm separating gays and lesbians and Christianity too wide to cross? Is the Bible an excuse to hate?

Through the experiences of five very normal, very Christian, very American families -- including those of former House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt and Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson -- we discover how insightful people of faith handle the realization of having a gay child.

Informed by such respected voices as Bishop Desmond Tutu, Harvard's Peter Gomes, Orthodox Rabbi Steve Greenberg, Billy Graham, Ronald Reagan, and Reverend Jimmy Creech, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO offers healing, clarity and understanding to anyone caught in the crosshairs of scripture and sexual identity.